I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
