i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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