u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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