If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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