Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I think my fart just growled at me.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
