You smell like stripper and shame
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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