I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
