everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
