He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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