I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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