I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
