I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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