Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
