Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I think my moral compass just broke
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