I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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