just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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