he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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