the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
