God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
