Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Randomize
