The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
someone threw a dead crab at me
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
