remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
