I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize