I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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