im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
