where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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