My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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