i jhust puked up my retainher.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
