There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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