i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
