Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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