Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize