My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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