i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
