I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
