Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
