I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
