wakey wakey hands off snakey
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
