Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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