toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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