Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
