Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
