I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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