I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
