I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize