we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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