i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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