I must be too annoying 4 u.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
