just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Non-Jews are for practice
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
