I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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