This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
