would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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